Six months ago I told my dad I was pregnant. He asked if I was sure. And reminded me how terrible I was with children and how much I didn't like them. And for the most part he was right. Ever since I was 12 and spent the summer taking care of my newborn sister I haven't been a fan of those screaming, squirming, smelly little creatures.
Sure there have been a few babies out there that have wormed their way into my heart- but I can literally count them on one hand. And in the last year it has been one. One baby. And even though I knew that Heavenly Father had told me I needed to have a baby I had pretty much decided he was crazy. Didn't he see me avoid babies as much as possible? I never volunteer to babysit. And only agree to do so when there is absolutely no one else available. And then I still make Kasen go with me to watch the children.
So needless to say, the closer I have gotten to the due date- which is now only 58 days away- the more I started to panic. What was I going to do with a baby of my very own? Sure I'd have Kasen but he has school and work and seminary all day-every day- which meant that I was going to be stuck with the screaming, squirming, smelly creature all day. Every day. And unless I'm a mean terrible person, I'm going to be on night duty as well since Kasen has an early morning seminary calling. That makes me in charge 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
There are a lot of new babies in my ward and I have been avoiding them like the plague. I haven't babysat in months. I've been doing everything I can to avoid small children so that I'd hopefully like my own a little more.
But then something incredible happened. Yesterday Kasen and I went to drop off dinner to a couple in our ward that just had a baby a month ago. And you know what I wanted to hold that little guy so bad. He was so calm and quiet and perfectly adorable.
And for the first time since becoming pregnant, I realized that I wanted this baby.
He and I are going to have a lot of growing to do together. But hey thats what first children are for, right? Practice? I'm still not the best at talking at him and I'm still terrified of giving birth and I still feel a little abandoned in knowing that my family won't come to Moscow to be with me, nor will Kasen's mom arrive until about a week after he's born. And I'm still a little resentful that my birthday is going to be ignored this year because everyone's going to care more about the baby than me turning 24.
In the end though, none of that matters. What matters is that I finally feel attachment to my own baby! And I can't wait for him to be here-even if he makes my life really really hard in a way that I never intended it to be. I still can't imagine being stuck with him for 24 hours a day but maybe that level of attachment will come later. I hope. You'd better hope too. For his sake.
No comments:
Post a Comment