Experiences over Things

A blog post I was working on before Jack was born:

In five weeks I will quit my job and make the transition to being the mother of a baby. In one way or another I have been making and earning my own money since I was fifteen. And up until a couple of months ago I have always made more money than my husband as well. But in seven weeks I will see my last paycheck. And to be quite honest I've been having a very hard time with that idea.

I know that in a marriage money is not 'mine' but rather 'ours.' Money in a marriage is just another way to show equal partnership and mutual respect. I know many couples in which when they get married they close their personal accounts and open up a single joint account. Because I wanted to very much remain independent concerning financial matters my husband and I did not do this. He still has his account and I still have mine. Don't misunderstand and think that we don't share our money. Quite the opposite. We (I) keep a close watch on our accounts and we pay bills from them according to who has enough in their account to cover a particular thing.

But in seven weeks, I won't be getting paid anymore-yet I will still have my own bills. Together they aren't more than $100 a month and yet I still am struggling with the idea of allowing my husband to pay for them. And in six months my student loans will start to need paid, but again I don't want my husband to worry about paying for them.

So what choice do I have? Many think I should go back to work after the baby is a month or two old. I could but daycare costs here are so astronomical that I would be working in order to pay for daycare. Another thing to consider is all the time I would lose with my little guy. I know that there will be times when he is driving me crazy and I'll be desperate for a helper or a babysitter but there will also be times in which I will not be able to imagine doing anything else. And that's what I mean by experiences over things. I could go back to work, I could even find a full time position fairly easily but at what cost? Sure me working full time would mean that Kasen wouldn't have to work at all during his last semester. But it would also mean daycare costs, higher rent payments, and more exhaustion on my part when I am home.

In a few months we will both be done with college. And hopefully Kasen will have a job lined up as a result of the internship he is in right now. It is not a guarantee of course but we feel confident that Heavenly Father will steer us in the direction he needs us to be. And when he does get the job, I have yet another decision to make. Do I go to work then? Do I continue with my plans for nursing school? Or do I put school and work on hold for a while to raise my babies in the manner that they deserve?

Last night I was speaking with a friend of mine. And in her family her mother is a pharmacist and her dad a respiratory therapist. Her mother could have chosen to work full time as a pharmacist and her dad not work at all and they would have been able to make more money. However, they chose experiences over things. Her mother works as a pharmacist part time and her father works full time. What is so wonderful about this is that her mother was able to be home with her children when it mattered most. That is not to say that there weren't days in which their father was the primary care giver or that they always had a parent at home when the children got home from school. But it does mean that their family made a conscious effort to be able to spend as much quality time as was possible together. Again, experiences over things.

My friend and her family are solidly middle class. Growing up they did not ever want for anything but the parents worked really hard to not spoil their children either. (As evidenced as the entire conversation with my friend tool place over her washing my dishes.) However, her family has worked really hard to give the children experiences. And in the end experiences are what matter. We are sent here to learn all that we can about all that there is. After we can't take things with us but we can take our experiences.

A Change of Heart

Six months ago I told my dad I was pregnant. He asked if I was sure. And reminded me how terrible I was with children and how much I didn't like them. And for the most part he was right. Ever since I was 12 and spent the summer taking care of my newborn sister I haven't been a fan of those screaming, squirming, smelly little creatures.

Sure there have been a few babies out there that have wormed their way into my heart- but I can literally count them on one hand. And in the last year it has been one. One baby. And even though I knew that Heavenly Father had told me I needed to have a baby I had pretty much decided he was crazy. Didn't he see me avoid babies as much as possible? I never volunteer to babysit. And only agree to do so when there is absolutely no one else available. And then I still make Kasen go with me to watch the children.

So needless to say, the closer I have gotten to the due date- which is now only 58 days away- the more I started to panic. What was I going to do with a baby of my very own? Sure I'd have Kasen but he has school and work and seminary all day-every day- which meant that I was going to be stuck with the screaming, squirming, smelly creature all day. Every day. And unless I'm a mean terrible person, I'm going to be on night duty as well since Kasen has an early morning seminary calling. That makes me in charge 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

There are a lot of new babies in my ward and I have been avoiding them like the plague. I haven't babysat in months. I've been doing everything I can to avoid small children so that I'd hopefully like my own a little more.

But then something incredible happened. Yesterday Kasen and I went to drop off dinner to a couple in our ward that just had a baby a month ago. And you know what I wanted to hold that little guy so bad. He was so calm and quiet and perfectly adorable.

And for the first time since becoming pregnant, I realized that I wanted this baby.

He and I are going to have a lot of growing to do together. But hey thats what first children are for, right? Practice? I'm still not the best at talking at him and I'm still terrified of giving birth and I still feel a little abandoned in knowing that my family won't come to Moscow to be with me, nor will Kasen's mom arrive until about a week after he's born. And I'm still a little resentful that my birthday is going to be ignored this year because everyone's going to care more about the baby than me turning 24.

In the end though, none of that matters. What matters is that I finally feel attachment to my own baby! And I can't wait for him to be here-even if he makes my life really really hard in a way that I never intended it to be. I still can't imagine being stuck with him for 24 hours a day but maybe that level of attachment will come later. I hope. You'd better hope too. For his sake.

I just want a stable relationship! Okay?

There are two places in Moscow in which you can visit an OB doctor. Two. After much debate and thought I went with the one that most of my friends had chosen when they were pregnant. That was seven months ago, and today, I just finished seeing every doctor at least once. You see, that's the policy at MPOB. You are required to see every doctor at least once before asking to see one exclusively. They do this because whenever you go into labor, you get whomever is on call that day. Okay, fair enough. I completely understand the value of visiting with every OB in an office so that when delivery time comes you aren't met with a stranger. But at the same time I don't feel like meeting a doctor once or twice or even three times qualifies us to not be strangers anymore...

Maybe I've just had a bad day today, maybe I'm just tired of being pregnant or maybe I just decided I don't like this system. I have seen FIVE doctors within the last five months. At first I thought this was a great idea because then it meant that I got to meet every doctor in the practice and then once I did, then I could pick which one or two I preferred to see after that. Not so much.

Today after my literally two minute appointment with the doctor, I went out to schedule my next appointment with the receptionist. She looked at me like I was crazy when I asked if I could pick which doctor I preferred to see. But she went ahead and looked up his schedule anyways-which I appreciated. However, he was only available in Pullman for the week that I need to go in next and unfortunately since Kasen and I both have ridiculously hectic schedules, driving to Pullman on Wednesday's just isn't an option for us.

You would think that since my first choice doctor wasn't available for me then I would be asked who my second choice was. Not so. You see the doctor's schedule changes every week. Not only are they not scheduled on a set day, but they are also not scheduled at a set location- Moscow or Pullman. If that were the case then I would just pick my first choice doctor and say he was available in Moscow or even Pullman every other Tuesday. Done. I would make it work. But he isn't. Every time I go to make another appointment I have no idea what doctor I'm going to get, because the schedule rotates.

Now it might seem like this might not matter. And in the end, I'm sure it doesn't. By the time I go into labor I'll probably take whatever doctor I can get- or a nurse since they know how to deliver babies as well and doctor's don't always make it on time.

However, who I see in the mean time does matter to me. I really, really liked the last doctor we met with. And so did Kasen. And even though that doctor also only spent a couple minutes with us, we both walked out of the appointment room understanding what we needed to do for the FIRST time in SEVEN months.  This doctor was direct and straight to the point. He didn't talk softly or try to appease us. He just told it like it was. And anyone who really knows me knows that I don't like fluffy information. I like cut and dry information. Black and white. Good to go.

I don't know a solution to my problem. I still have 11 weeks (give or take) before little Johnny decides he is bored with my uterus and needs a more interesting environment. Hopefully I get to see my first choice doctor or at least my second choice doctor the rest of the time, because you can bet that I will ask to see my first choice after every subsequent appointment. What I do know is that I feel as though the information told to me so far, a family practitioner could have done. And then I could have seen an OB doctor or doctors even as I got closer to my due date.

I just went into my appointment angry that I had to be there today, angry that I was rescheduled from last week and angry that I had to see yet another new doctor. It didn't help that the nurse asked me the gender of my baby twice. Within 20 seconds. I'm also irritated that during my last appointment I was told I needed to think about a pediatrician and then this time I was told again. Well guess what new doctor, maybe you and the doctor before could brief each other (or at least write it in my chart) and instead of telling me to think about a pediatrician, ask if I have given it any more thought. Which I had. And the one I chose? Its a block from our new apartment.

Don't worry friends. I still want to go to nursing school. And nurse practitioner school. I still believe in our health care system. But I just hope that I can recommend an OB (or office) that my patients can see time and again during their pregnancy. That way they will feel more comfortable during their appointments. More appreciated and less hurried.

and sometimes its Thursday....

Sometimes when you are pregnant you have stomach cramps. And sometimes when you have stomach cramps they don't go away- in fact they last all day. And since its your first pregnancy you get really worried. Especially when your baby is active in there but not really and you read blogs that say you should be feeling him all the time. And sometimes you don't know your own mother to call and ask questions and you were born at around 32 weeks. And are currently starting your 28th week so you're not sure what's going on. All you know is that you 've had constant cramping throughout the day and its uncomfortable to walk. And sit.

So you leave work five hours early and call your doctor's office. And they ask do you have spotting? Or bleeding? Or leaking of any fluid of any kind? No. We'll call you back. And then they do and they tell you that they want you to go into the hospital for a stress test just to make sure everything is okay.

So you go in, they hook you up to be monitored, and the nurse says that it should only be 20 minutes or so. An hour goes by and there is no change and so they have you leave a urine sample. An hour later the urine sample determines that you are dehydrated. And that you need to drink two liters of water or you can have it by IV. You think you could just drink water at home. But that would be leaving against medical advice. So you stay in the hospital and drink your four bottles of water and feel like a big ol lame-o because you spend four hours in the hospital because you managed to not drink enough water and since you are dehydrated your uterus is contracting and causing cramping.

And then the nurse tells you that stress causes people to not drink water. And you don't think you're stressed out until you start crying. And you only cry when you are super stressed. Then you think about why you are stressed. It's because you're missing work, your husband is missing work, you have to go sign paperwork beacuse you finally got into your apartment, you are drowning in readings for your classes that you hate, you're more than a little tired all the time, you've been living with friends for almost three months, you're having a baby and can't decide on natural or drugs, you're having a baby and don't feel adequately prepared, you desperately need two cars, and your IBS is making it impossible to eat like a normal person.

The bad news is that you have to drink more water. Which means you have to go to the bathroom more. And you hate using the bathroom. You already feel like its a waste of time.

The good news is that this doesn't happen all the time.

Just sometimes.

And all on the same day.

The other good news is that you are okay. And the baby is okay.

And you have a place to live now.

And that makes its a good day.

BUMP!

I've been waiting for this moment.

Hoping. 

Wishing. 

Beginning to doubt it would ever come. 

No one knew I was pregnant.

I just looked fatter than normal. 

Which made me self-conscious.

Just a week ago I was told "Oh I couldn't even tell."

Thanks? 

Actually I took it really personally. 

And was sad.

But now it's here. 

And I'm super self-conscious about it. 

And I feel like people are judging me. 

And thinking I got into some sort of 'trouble.'

Or that I'm only married because we're having a baby.

Maybe it will go away. 

Doubt it. 

Actually it will probably keep growing.

I'm not going to be able to sit in desk seats with the desk down for much longer. 

Good thing there is only 14 weeks of school left. 

And 13 weeks before he's scheduled to arrive. 

At least we have a carseat now. 

27 weeks: Our baby is the size of a head of cauliflower.

93 days and counting...

The little guy above is making his appearance in roughly 93 days. 93 DAYS! 3 months and 2 days. That may seem like a lot but let me put it into perspective for you. We have onesies, pajamas, one blanket, three burp rags, 2 sample diapers from our doctor, a boppy pillow a carseat cover and a stroller.  You can't even take a baby home from the hospital without a carseat and we don't have one. I don't have a breast pump, a take home outfit, hand mittens so he doesn't scratch his face, or a bed for him to sleep in. AH!

93 days might be a normal amount of time if I didn't also have a 19 credit semester and a 20 hour work week. 93 days might not be so close if I didn't have to go without Kasen three nights a week due to his Argonaut responsibilities. It might not seem so close if I didn't feel like crap everyday because the foods I eat don't seem to agree with my system- Thank you combined IBS and pregnancy. It might also not seem so close if we had an apartment of our own. And it certaintly wouldn't seem so close if we lived closer to home or weren't having a baby six hours away from home and will have to struggle through the first couple days alone -during finals- until Kasen's mom arrives. From Japan. And then we have to make the trek home in what will most likely be snowy and/or icy and/or otherwise terrible road conditions.

Perhaps most of all 93 days wouldn't seem so close if we had a clue as to what we were doing. I'm the oldest of three. But aside from being 12 when my sister was born I don't have much experience with babies. Kasen is the youngest. And I'm pretty sure babies scare him a little. I'll be honest. They scare me too. They cry. And poop. And sleep. And eat. And they are little. Too little. So little that you have to hold their heads. And them. ALL THE TIME.

Have you read new mommy blogs? Most are brutally honest and tell you that you are going to hate life. A lot. They say birth is not fun. And I'm gonna try it without an epidural? And guess what I read about yesterday? The pain doesn't end with the birth of the baby or the placenta delivery. It keeps going. For days. They also tell you about the after affects of not having a menstrual cycle for months and how your bathroom trash might look like something from a bloody gory horror movie. And breastfeeding? It's recommended by every reputable source on the planet - plus it saves money. But wait. It hurts. They say it hurts a lot. And it might not seem like there is any progress being made. But don't worry. If you make it past the first couple weeks you can do anything. Until you get to the six week stage-in which the whole routine you established with your newborn is ruined and sent down the drain. And don't worry- the six week mark is when we will be headed back to Moscow so Kasen can finish his last semester. And I can stay home with a baby. Alone and terrified of any number of catastrophes that can happen.

We haven't even taken a birthing class yet.

(Disclaimer: I know that we will have help and that things won't be as bad as they seem but I get to be terrified anyways. It's my new job. Or so they say.)

Opening Windows

As many of you know I am a planner. And I like it when things go the way I planned. For example I planned to get married when I was thirty and not have children until I was 35. Instead Heavenly Father sent Kasen a little earlier than I had planned on. So I got married at 22.

But I still had a five year baby plan. I wanted to make sure that we were both done with undergrad. And masters programs. With stable jobs and a sense of where to go next. Heavenly Father told us we should have a baby. So we are. In December. I  have a birthday in December and have always despised it.

Over the last  year I have dreamed a couple times that our baby would be a girl. So I planned for a girl. I pinned all sorts of nursery and baby shower ideas on Pinterest. To be fair, I made a boy board. It has ten pins. The girl board has at least twenty. I looked up hair accessories and bought the cutest onesies. Again to be fair I bought a boy onesie. Heavenly Father is sending us a boy first. What am I supposed to do with a little boy? And I know without doubt that I am meant to have a girl. But how long will it take to get her? What if she is child number 32??? AHHH!!!

At one point in my college career I had decided I wanted to get a minor in Addictions. I figured that either way I went: Social Work or Nursing, it would be beneficial. But it just wouldn't fit into my schedule. Until now. My last semester they are offering four of the seven classes I need to add the minor. And they are offering the other three in the Spring. The problem is that I already have a full schedule for fall. So I would not only have to rearrange my entire fall schedule, but I would have to postpone graduation. Again. With a new baby. And the more I thought and thought the more I realized it wouldn't be fair to the baby if I were in school next semester. Thanks a lot Heavenly Father. I had a plan. You intervened. Again.

Obviously, I have a Type A personality. And I obviously like to plan. Heavenly Father obviously likes to mess up my plans. In fact I bet he's laughing at me right now. My dad has laughed at me my entire life because of how I plan and like things to be in a certain order and done in a certain way. Following the rules. Apparently Heavenly Father has a different set of rules than I do. And that's what I've come to realize.

A few months ago (and just last week in church) I shared a post on Facebook that talked about all the things I feel I am supposed to do in life. Like school and work and babies and family history and church callings and visiting teaching and going to the temple and reading scriptures and praying and dishes and laundry and housekeeping and exercise and journal writing and homework and advanced education and family home evening and developing talents and institute and crafting and cooking and.... That's a lot of 'and.' I'm probably even missing a few. And it's easy for a Type A-planner-who wants to please everyone to get overwhelmed by all of those. When I posted the status, I heard someone in church say there is a time for everything. At the time I just brushed it off. I was irritated that they would say such a thing. I know that. But I also felt so inadequate by not being able to do them all. And telling me I would get an opportunity for these things later just made me mad.

However, I'm going to have a baby. And while that may put nursing school and addictions minors and working out of the question for a little bit, it opens a few windows. Being a stay at home mommy (something the Lord has been impressing on my mind lately) at least for a little while means that I have time to do other things. Like crafting and scrapbooking for myself instead of just others. Or maybe I can blog. Or go on stroller walks (even though I look ridiculous pushing strollers since not only am I short but I look young for my age). I can try new recipes. I can pick up some more of the household chores and cooking. Kasen does most of those since I am always worn out from taking as many credits and working as much as possible (and then some). I can finish the Book of Mormon (I know, I'm a terrible example to others, I'm sorry). I can actually attend all of my institute classes instead of feeling overwhelmed with homework. I can have time to take a bath instead of just a shower.

The season I am about to exit is school. And the season I am about to enter in Mommy. Neither will happen the way I thought they would. Just because I graduate with a degree now does not mean that I can't or won't go back to school in a year or two. And even if I don't there are many other types of learning for me to do. Like learning more about the gospel. Or more about cooking. And definitely more about crafting. And babies. And learning that Heavenly Father is doing me a favor by giving me a new season. With new opportunities. And while I am sure that I will still be tired and exhausted from a newborn just as I am from work and school, I can at least use nap time to do some of the above mentioned activities. Even if those activities include naps for momma, too.

The following picture is one of my favorites of babies and mommies. Somehow I don't think I'll look this peaceful after having a baby...we'll see, though...maybe when it's sleeping. Hopefully it sleeps a lot.

Borrowed from here with no copyright infringement intended. 

It's a...

We stared at the monitor. For a few seconds, the baby wasn't moving. It's a new experience, being a parent. Especially to a creature you can't really tell is there. For just one moment, I wondered. Then the baby shifted.
"Holy cow, it's moving!" I thought.
The nurse moved her wand again, this time highlighting the heart. It was beating. Later, she would turn the sound on so we could hear the 154 beats per minute. I hadn't heard it before.
Her wand slid over Jenn's belly, glided along by surprisingly warm light blue gel.
"You wanted to know the gender, right?" Sheryl the sonographer asked.
"Yes."
Her wand hovered for several seconds over the magic area between baby's legs. We saw it.
It's very clear. I've never seen a gender ultrasound before - not even pictures. But the little spaceship was unmistakable.
"What was your guess again?" Sheryl asked.
"All our friends think it will be a girl," Jenn replied.
"Well, that sticky-outy thing is definitely a little boy part," Sheryl the sonographer said.
The nurse snapped a few pictures of the sticky-outy thing and then moved on. She waved her wand over the head, arms, legs, heart and a number of other organs and appendages. She didn't talk much. Every once in awhile, she would tell us the body part. She worked smoothly, tapping keys and moving the mouse to take her measurements. A few times, parts of the screen flickered with red and blue spots, measuring blood in the umbilical cord.
After an eternity of waiting, she told us that she couldn't get an accurate reading of the heart. She said she wanted to wait until baby was a little bigger. She'll have us back to finish up the ultrasound in a couple of weeks.
She was kind enough to tell us we had nothing to worry about: the baby was just a little shy. In a couple of weeks, she would finish her measurements and try to get us a picture of the face.
Jenn and I agreed: we didn't care about the face. We just wanted a moving, healthy baby.
And that's what we got.
In case you missed it:
IT'S A BOY!
You'll just have to wait on the name, though. It's a secret.

(The mouse is pointing at the sticky-outy thing)

India...Florida...Baby?

To start off this blog, here are a few updates!

• I was planning to go to India for two months, and even found a program and applied. From the beginning, I was unsure about the decision to go. I really wanted to go, but as I thought and prayed about it, I decided now was not the time.
• Because I am not going to India, I will have a lot of cool opportunities this summer. For starters, I won't have to leave Kasen. Again.
• Also, I will be able to go to my brother Alex's graduation in June. we are going to spend a couple of days with him and my sister in Salem, Oregon. If I had gone to India, I would have left before June.
• Next, I will be able to complete a CNA course. This will help with my nursing school application. It will also allow me to seek new employment here in Moscow, with different opportunities than I now have. It will also give me experience working in health care.
• Part of the reason I was going to India was the opportunity to get enough credits to graduate in December. I found out that by taking cheaper independent study courses, I can graduate at the same time. 
• I will be able to work and make money instead of only spending money for the summer.
• As a substitute for India, Kasen and I bought plane tickets to Florida for our anniversary. We're going to Disneyland! (Well, Disney World...) and Animal Kingdom, and SeaWorld, and Universal Studios, and the Orlando Temple. How cool is that? Plus, what I would have spent on travel to India could pay for our entire trip to Florida. Several times.
• Finally, we're having a baby! Sometime. Kasen and I both got several separate, real revelations from the Lord that it's about time we started a family. We are not pregnant now, but we have been thinking and planning on the best time. I don't think we're ready for it, but I don't think we should ignore promptings. Jonah taught us that. (Bellies?) Anyway, ready or not, here we come!

That's it for us. School is demanding, work is tiring, but marriage is good. And if you're lucky, you might get another blog post before the baby leaves on his mission.
(Kasen contributed to this post. But only a little.)